Get comfortable being uncomfortable

I've been going to therapy for 9 months now. So much has been discovered, unpacked, and accomplished.  The work is far from over. As previously written about in this blog, I've shared my weight loss struggles, on-going journey, goals, and triumphs when goals have been met.

During a session with my therapist I mentioned one of the things I wanted to do before I turned 50 was to try aerial yoga, but I had an intense fear because of my body size. I shared that in my head, I'm elephant size and while I've lost weight and have kept a good amount of it off, at times, I see myself as a bigger woman, thus creating an intense fear of trying aerial yoga.

Of course, a facility wouldn't allow me to practice aerial yoga if it weren't safe for me to do so. There would be restrictions posted on their website similar to signage in bars that drinking may cause birth defects should pregnant women drink, right?  My therapist advised that when thoughts of fear came to mind trust that I'm not going to fall and the establishment would not risk me using the equipment if I could be injured.

I set a mental goal to attend an aerial yoga class before my next therapy session. Having a few weeks to meet the goal, I procrastinated until the last possible class time to sign up. Prior to class, I met the instructor, expressed my fears and concerns, examined the anchors, and took the leap! You want to talk about being uncomfortable, beyond scared, and not trusting of the process. Yeah, that would be me!  Some of the moves I completed. Some I watched happened.  The best part, Donna, the instructor was patient with me and helped when I needed it.  I would definitely try aerial yoga, again.  
I think my experience will be different since I will now know what to expect.  If you're in the Oakland, CA area, check out Atomic Allure (www.atomicallure.org) for classes.  They have pole classes, as well.  I think I'll try that next! 

Rest, Relax, Remove dark circles

See my freckles 

 The last few days have been nothing short of wonderful.  My best friend (Bobo) opted to celebrate her birthday in Palm Springs. During a conversation months ago, about what are you doing for your birthday turned into an okay, come with and let's go! She's hella pushy that way and I LOVE her for it!! 

We had an awesome time reconnecting, reminiscing of our travels past, and sharing destinations yet traveled.  We laughed, ate, and drank (not a lot, though).

More importantly, we rested. I noticed for myself the once dark circles surrounding my eyes were no longer present. It took sending a selfie to my mom to check out my newly discovered freckles that I noticed. 

Bobo asked me what am I now going to do to keep the dark circles away and 

how  much sleep I get each night. **Blank stare** I'm going to put to practice of creating bedtime rituals to ensure restful sleep. My therapist recommended '101 Mindful ways to Build Resilience' to learn coping mechanisms during stressful situations.  I've read a few pages, but creating bedtime rituals is a page I've read numerous times, but have yet to put to practice. After this week along with Bobo providing a few tips to ensure I get plenty of rest at night, as well, (i.e. turn off my phone, log off social, read instead of watch t.v, etc), I'm going to give it another shot because I do enjoy my face sans dark circles under my eyes. 

Wish me luck!

I'm thankful for the celebration of Bobo. I'm thankful for the time spent, laughs, and most of all, REST!

Chosing Happy

Sister-friend's birthday brunch (March, 2018)

I met up with one of my sister-friend's to share the details of my recent vacation to Italy as she prepares for her upcoming trip. The last time we'd seen each other was two months prior at her birthday celebration.

During the course of our catch-up, sister-friend says, ' I haven't seen you look as happy as I did at  my party in a long time and I LOVED it!' After saying thank you, my additional response was, 'hard work and therapy is paying off!'  The conversation took me back to a similar one had with my Scorpio-sister-friend a few months prior. We had seen each other soon after my anxiety attack, which was my lowest point back in November, but I had been faking the funk and she wasn't buying it! We had an encouraging and uplifting conversation and I appreciated that I was able to be vulnerable with her while disclosing the sadness I had been experiencing for months.

Fast forward to a random afternoon we spent together in February and Scorpio-sister friend acknowledged a shift in my spirit energy. I'll share more about our day in another post. At our encounter in November, I had just began weekly therapy sessions. By the time we met in February, I had been seeing my therapist 2 x monthly and I still attend, to date. It is the best financial investment I can make for myself. 

I am thankful my friends can see the shift in my attitude, disposition, and my happy. More importantly,  I'm thankful for the work that I've done to improve my own happiness.

Living through the darkness

Being around friends became increasingly difficult during my depression days. Although, at the time, I wasn't officially diagnosed, I knew my withdrawal from people, declining invitations to spend time with people I genuinely loved, melancholy moods, numerous days of the blues were symptoms of depression.  Completing day to day tasks were down right exhausting, but somehow, I managed for a very long time to push through. I'm using the term 'depression' because I now know I officially was depressed. I suspected, but my therapist stated so, and that I suffered a panic attack.  More on that later. All of my depressed living lead up to my attack. Anyway, not every friend encounter I could be my true authentic self when responding to the question, 'how are you?', without tears streaming down my face no matter how hard I blinked them away.  Most times, I simply found it to be in my best interest to decline an invite to hang out and to go about my day alone.  Going alone also made it easier for me to change my mind if leaving my house felt too much like a chore, which most days, it did! The fact that it rained an awful lot in 2016, didn't help me climb out of my blues, either.

In spite of how I felt, I had a small circle of friends who wouldn't let me wallow in my depression.  They wanted me to get back to being ME.  As if I didn't want to be me, ** insert eye-roll **, here.  They encouraged me to join them for workouts, girls night ins, and prayer calls.  I'm thankful for those moments, but they were temporary.  I think I was or felt like was too deep within my 'stuff' that I was incapable of climbing out, nor did I have the tools to dig my way out.  Thinking back on all of this, the shit was so fucking real! By the grace of God, I had a come to Jesus moment talk with my mom, which caused me to deal head on with my shit, thus my spiral, and ultimate panic attack!

Funny how God works, right!!   

The Decision

Several months ago, a fleeting thought entered my mind to resume writing my blog. I don't recall the context of the conversation, but I do recall being in a therapy session being asked if I kept a journal.  I have a few, but don't regularly write in them, similar to this blog.  My therapist suggested I write and/or blog to capture my thoughts.  I still hadn't given much thought to writing until 2-3 months after the initial mention. 

I've been seeing a therapist for about five months and during this short time, a lot has been uncovered.  I'll share here overtime, about my visits to therapy and the events leading up to my going to therapy along with what lead me to writing again.

Additionally, I've recently been sharing that I have a blog and that I'm going to write again.  The natural follow up question is, 'Oh, I want to read your blog.' So, here I go!

The thoughts shared are my own and are true.....     



 

Welcome Back, Welcome Back, Welcome Back!

Well, hello!
It's been a long while, I know.  There is no particular reason why I stopped writing, but there are so many more reasons for me to start, again.

I'm not sure how this writing journey will unfold, but I thank you for participating in it with me.  So much has transpired.   

https://youtu.be/xZzEzDkeHzI

Summer of Swim....

Last year, I set a goal of wearing a 2-piece swimsuit on my family vacation to Hawaii.  I worked hard in the gym to look as fly as I could, but without stressing myself out. I had a ball in Hawaii, I mean who couldn't? I felt super confident in my own skin rocking a few 2-pieces.  Check out my summer suits of 2015.

Ava & Viv top, Lane Bryant bottom

Forever21 Plus Tribal Print suit

Swimsuits for all, GabiFresh Collection

Swimsuits for all cover-up, Lane Bryant top and bottom