Chosing Happy

Sister-friend's birthday brunch (March, 2018)

I met up with one of my sister-friend's to share the details of my recent vacation to Italy as she prepares for her upcoming trip. The last time we'd seen each other was two months prior at her birthday celebration.

During the course of our catch-up, sister-friend says, ' I haven't seen you look as happy as I did at  my party in a long time and I LOVED it!' After saying thank you, my additional response was, 'hard work and therapy is paying off!'  The conversation took me back to a similar one had with my Scorpio-sister-friend a few months prior. We had seen each other soon after my anxiety attack, which was my lowest point back in November, but I had been faking the funk and she wasn't buying it! We had an encouraging and uplifting conversation and I appreciated that I was able to be vulnerable with her while disclosing the sadness I had been experiencing for months.

Fast forward to a random afternoon we spent together in February and Scorpio-sister friend acknowledged a shift in my spirit energy. I'll share more about our day in another post. At our encounter in November, I had just began weekly therapy sessions. By the time we met in February, I had been seeing my therapist 2 x monthly and I still attend, to date. It is the best financial investment I can make for myself. 

I am thankful my friends can see the shift in my attitude, disposition, and my happy. More importantly,  I'm thankful for the work that I've done to improve my own happiness.

Living through the darkness

Being around friends became increasingly difficult during my depression days. Although, at the time, I wasn't officially diagnosed, I knew my withdrawal from people, declining invitations to spend time with people I genuinely loved, melancholy moods, numerous days of the blues were symptoms of depression.  Completing day to day tasks were down right exhausting, but somehow, I managed for a very long time to push through. I'm using the term 'depression' because I now know I officially was depressed. I suspected, but my therapist stated so, and that I suffered a panic attack.  More on that later. All of my depressed living lead up to my attack. Anyway, not every friend encounter I could be my true authentic self when responding to the question, 'how are you?', without tears streaming down my face no matter how hard I blinked them away.  Most times, I simply found it to be in my best interest to decline an invite to hang out and to go about my day alone.  Going alone also made it easier for me to change my mind if leaving my house felt too much like a chore, which most days, it did! The fact that it rained an awful lot in 2016, didn't help me climb out of my blues, either.

In spite of how I felt, I had a small circle of friends who wouldn't let me wallow in my depression.  They wanted me to get back to being ME.  As if I didn't want to be me, ** insert eye-roll **, here.  They encouraged me to join them for workouts, girls night ins, and prayer calls.  I'm thankful for those moments, but they were temporary.  I think I was or felt like was too deep within my 'stuff' that I was incapable of climbing out, nor did I have the tools to dig my way out.  Thinking back on all of this, the shit was so fucking real! By the grace of God, I had a come to Jesus moment talk with my mom, which caused me to deal head on with my shit, thus my spiral, and ultimate panic attack!

Funny how God works, right!!   

The Decision

Several months ago, a fleeting thought entered my mind to resume writing my blog. I don't recall the context of the conversation, but I do recall being in a therapy session being asked if I kept a journal.  I have a few, but don't regularly write in them, similar to this blog.  My therapist suggested I write and/or blog to capture my thoughts.  I still hadn't given much thought to writing until 2-3 months after the initial mention. 

I've been seeing a therapist for about five months and during this short time, a lot has been uncovered.  I'll share here overtime, about my visits to therapy and the events leading up to my going to therapy along with what lead me to writing again.

Additionally, I've recently been sharing that I have a blog and that I'm going to write again.  The natural follow up question is, 'Oh, I want to read your blog.' So, here I go!

The thoughts shared are my own and are true.....     



 

Welcome Back, Welcome Back, Welcome Back!

Well, hello!
It's been a long while, I know.  There is no particular reason why I stopped writing, but there are so many more reasons for me to start, again.

I'm not sure how this writing journey will unfold, but I thank you for participating in it with me.  So much has transpired.   

https://youtu.be/xZzEzDkeHzI

Summer of Swim....

Last year, I set a goal of wearing a 2-piece swimsuit on my family vacation to Hawaii.  I worked hard in the gym to look as fly as I could, but without stressing myself out. I had a ball in Hawaii, I mean who couldn't? I felt super confident in my own skin rocking a few 2-pieces.  Check out my summer suits of 2015.

Ava & Viv top, Lane Bryant bottom

Forever21 Plus Tribal Print suit

Swimsuits for all, GabiFresh Collection

Swimsuits for all cover-up, Lane Bryant top and bottom

Benefits of fitness...to me!

If you've read my blog from the beginning, you know fitness and maintaining a healthy lifestyle has been the theme throughout. Weight loss is a casualty, if you will of fitness and exercise.

This past year, I've had many 'aha' moments as I've continued my journey.  Simple things I enjoy are so much easier with less weight. While I don't live by the number on the scale, I do weigh myself weekly. With that being said, I don't let the number on the scale be the only measurement of progress. Here are but a few recent 'simple things' that have made me want to continue to lose inches.


° attending Warriors games this season. I've always felt like a stuffed sausage sitting in those seats! Lord help me if I have my jacket and a bag. Feeling comfortable is highly unlikely.

° wearing clothes these days is fun! The constant tugging and pulling of my pants is so annoying! I should invest in suspenders to hold my pants up!



° my skirts now play ring around the rosey! Manufacturers put tags on clothing for a purpose to identify the front/back of the article of clothing. When my skirt swivels around, it's not comfy, at all.

° recent travel has been nice, too. I mean, I have a little room in the seat and the arm rest stays in its downright position. Again, I'm usually a stuffed sausage in the seat and I'm constantly pushing the armrest down. Pretty embarrassing when I'm not traveling with family.


° airline bathroom use has also become less stressful.  You see, for a germaphobe  like me, touching public restroom anything is just gross to me. I mean, I use toilet paper to lift the bathroom seat. An airline restroom is not a large space. Struggling to get all of my width into an airline restroom without touching the walls is difficult. What a discovery when I no longer had to shimmy myself in there!

All of these discoveries display my progress in a way so absent from the scale. What a motivator to keep going. To keep waking up at the crack 'o dawn to get my ass beat (with love) by The Inner Athlete trainers. To keep finding moments where I can see my progress without getting on the scale.

Make time for yourself!

I've been working out at The Inner Athlete off and on for over a year. The Inner Athlete is a private fitness studio and the cost is a bit more than what I'm used to paying as a member of 24 Hour Fitness. I can assure you that the level of service and fitness experience at The Inner Athlete is not at all like 24 Hour. And that's a great thing! In my previous position, I couldn't always make the classes or I was too tired to workout.

Last summer, I left that job and was unemployed. Funny thing...now I'm off work and couldn't always afford to attend classes at The Inner Athlete. In fact, I cancelled my 24 Hour membership.

With time on my hands, I told myself I have NO excuse to not workout. With my hiking group, Black Girls Run chicks, and #keepupwithalondra challenges, I had an arsenal of fitness activities to busy myself. I had time for those 7am weekday walks at Lake Chabot or to meet a hiking buddy for a Tuesday morning hike. I also committed to utilizing the gym in my complex. Alondra's challenges in many instances required use of the gym...(insert groan, here). The gym and all of the equipment scares me. I'd rather walk, hike, or use my light weights and bands at home and call it a day!  Ultimately, I made the time to get my activity in for the day.  After all, I did have a goal of rocking a 2-piece swimsuit in Hawaii, which was fast approaching.