Living through the darkness

Being around friends became increasingly difficult during my depression days. Although, at the time, I wasn't officially diagnosed, I knew my withdrawal from people, declining invitations to spend time with people I genuinely loved, melancholy moods, numerous days of the blues were symptoms of depression.  Completing day to day tasks were down right exhausting, but somehow, I managed for a very long time to push through. I'm using the term 'depression' because I now know I officially was depressed. I suspected, but my therapist stated so, and that I suffered a panic attack.  More on that later. All of my depressed living lead up to my attack. Anyway, not every friend encounter I could be my true authentic self when responding to the question, 'how are you?', without tears streaming down my face no matter how hard I blinked them away.  Most times, I simply found it to be in my best interest to decline an invite to hang out and to go about my day alone.  Going alone also made it easier for me to change my mind if leaving my house felt too much like a chore, which most days, it did! The fact that it rained an awful lot in 2016, didn't help me climb out of my blues, either.

In spite of how I felt, I had a small circle of friends who wouldn't let me wallow in my depression.  They wanted me to get back to being ME.  As if I didn't want to be me, ** insert eye-roll **, here.  They encouraged me to join them for workouts, girls night ins, and prayer calls.  I'm thankful for those moments, but they were temporary.  I think I was or felt like was too deep within my 'stuff' that I was incapable of climbing out, nor did I have the tools to dig my way out.  Thinking back on all of this, the shit was so fucking real! By the grace of God, I had a come to Jesus moment talk with my mom, which caused me to deal head on with my shit, thus my spiral, and ultimate panic attack!

Funny how God works, right!!