Dear 2018,

Thank you for the smiles and tears. The lessons learned. The new people I've met. And even those I disagreed with. All have been growth moments and I'm truly grateful.

Tis the season...to not feeling blue

 

I mentioned here that the Christmas season is not my favorite time of the year. I recently shared with my therapist, this sentiment.  My therapist probed a bit for the why, to which I shared in a nutshell, family traditions I had as a child - young adult had been lost due to our family changes, and there are no new traditions fully established. I was challenged to think of new traditions for our family.  Or at least the minimal ones we do have, to continue to foster them and add to keep the traditions going.

Challenge accepted!

Overall, I'm not feeling as down, sad, or depressed-like this year.  I've made a conscious effort to be happy and joyful in spite of bumps in the road encountered along the way.  I honor those feelings, but don't dwell or live in them. It's an amazing feeling to move through my days and not feel like the Grinch or have Bah-humbug spirit. Thanks therapy!! 

How am I managing the season?  Saying 'yes' to invites when I want to say 'no'.  Spending more time with people who genuinely make me happy and I enjoy their company. I don't let finances be the only driver or motivate my response.  Identifying free or low cost activities during the times where I can't 'do it big', but I can 'do it low-key'.

 
Lastly, my friend, Stacy of SMG Wellness  engaged her Facebook followers in a 31-day #attitudeofgratitude experience where the ask is to journal three things you're grateful for each day.


What is shared doesn't have to be big, but the process is to allow for pause and bring awareness to all of the things we truly have in our day.  It's been a wonderful experience as I mindfully think of things I'm grateful for each day.  Such a mind shift as things that would normally cause a reaction in me, I know think of how that event impacts my life, if at all.

       

#selfcaresaturday

Acts of self-care has been a recent life I've chosen for myself. It's a conscious behavior with purpose and intention to recharge. I typically share on my Instagram channel and use #selfcaresaturday, in conjunction with my therapy session.  I've been in therapy for 10 months and only recently begun to share on a regular basis.  I was mildly ashamed to speak about it openly, but I've found that when I share, I feel so much better and that I'm encouraging others to consider it for themselves. Anyway....

Well, my therapist has been on vacation the ENTIRE month of October. Shade, no shade!

During the early part of October, I honestly found myself in crisis. I emailed my therapist to be reminded with an out of office response she was on vacation, and she wasn't returning until November!
                             

                   (See below Out of office) 

I freaked out more when I noticed I didn't have an appointment scheduled. Thankfully, she confirmed our date, whew!  It calmed me, somewhat, but she also provided me with her 'on-call' person if I needed to see someone sooner.  Thanks, but no thanks! I'll use the tools I had been given to work through my anxiety and panic attacks.

                                             

The week of my mental crisis, I had two social events planned, a fish fry in Pittsburgh, and a house party in Oakland, which is close to my home, Pittsburgh, not so much. And I had plans to go in the Pittsburgh direction, but further the following day. Basically, I'm a lazy driver and wanted to stay close to home, even though I wanted to attend both events. More importantly, I knew there would be good food, company, and lots of laughs! Well, I decided I wasn't going to the fish fry... until the host called to inquire about my RSVP status. I broke the news that I likely wouldn't attend and my friend, let me have it in a guilt-filled way.  Needless to say, I went home, took a nap, and high-tailed myself to my friend's fish fry. I'm so glad I did! The food was bomb, drinks flowed, laughs were big and often. Seeing old friends and meeting new ones was awesome!

Next up...the annual house party, also known as Grovetoberfest! This is a party you really don't want to miss. I mean, multiple DJ's, bomb ass food, drinks a plenty, and dope people! This year, I hung out in the house vs backyard. To see a soul train line happen was epic. The night was epic! I stayed out well beyond my bedtime without one regret!




I awakened Sunday with a full heart. I treated myself to a full recharge of #selfcaresaturday. It was so needed.   I had to call my friend who shamed me for not accepting the RSVP and thank him for reaching out.  The Monday conversation of  'how was your weekend', had the most robust response of  'it was great!'.  


I couldn't be more thankful for the time spent with friends over the weekend and for my community of friends who filled my spirit in an immeasurable way. I was reminded that I need to show up to events, even when at first, I don't want to attend, especially when there will be folks I truly adore!  

A Dream Fulfilled

Florence, Italy

  In April 2018, I took a trip I had dreamed of taking for as long as I could remember. I wanted to go for my birthday in 2017, but it wasn't financially feasible for me to prepare in 2016. Needless to say, I was quite disappointed.  Sad, even. And also the beginning of what in hindsight, my depression-like symptoms.  Please know that my not being able to take the trip wasn’t the reason for my depression, but it certainly added to the mountain of feelings I had been experiencing.  I had spent my weekends in bed, I distanced myself from friends and loved ones, and pretty much disconnected myself from all social activities. I did what I had to do...work and return home back to my bed.  I found comfort in spending time with my niece and nephew, but as soon as my interactions with them were done, it was back to my depressed state.  I’ll never forget the holiday break, December 2016.  I spent the entire break in bed watching television.  Sounds like a dream, right? Yeah, no!    

Oddly enough, I was continuing my visits with my nutritional visits, but not working out. I honestly felt the only control in my life was cooking and it got me out of the house for about an hour on the weekend to buy groceries and fresh produce. It was such a struggle!

 One Sunday on the ride home from church, my mom had a ‘come to Jesus’ conversation with me.  She flat out told me that I was not myself and I hadn't been a nice person in a long while.  I was depressed.  She didn’t like the person who I was and that I needed a serious attitude adjustment.  I heard her, but didn’t want to hear her. A few weeks had gone by.  I still hadn’t fully addressed the conversation my mom and I had, but it was there in the back of my head.

 Surfing the internet, I saw an announcement that Travel Noir would be posting dates for their 2018 trips soon.  I talked to mom about us planning to attend their Amalfi trip and told her to check it out.  She was hesitant about committing.  Not for herself, but for me because of the amount of uncertainty I had going on in my life at the time, along with the cost of the trip. In speaking with mom about Italy, I told her, ‘ there will never be a right time to go when I have the right amount of money or where all things will be perfect’.  My question was why not go, now?

In the midst of preparing for my dream trip, I also finally dealt with my anxiety and depression with the help of identifying a therapist. It was a great combo of having a trip to look forward to, while working on me and gaining coping skills to manage my anxiety.     

I had a life-long dream of visiting Italy and by the grace of God I wanted see it to fruition.  So on a May 2017 early morning, mom and I gave our money towards a deposit to Italy in April 2018 a month after my half-birthday.  Because yes, I sort of celebrate my half-birthday.  Taking this trip was an amazing experience.  There are so many memories embedded within my spirit that they will last beyond a lifetime. I look forward to our next adventure and my continued journey to wellness. 

Sometimes, your dreams may not come when you want them, but if you keep working towards them, eventually, you'll catch them! #dreamcatcher

CHAPTER 47...

As I close the chapter on 47, I reflect upon the things I'm thankful for and the lessons I've learned, thus far. While this was a challenging chapter, I know as I turn the page to begin chapter 48, I'm ready for what God and the Universe has in store for me.

A few highlights from Chapter 47.  

Forever FLOTUS, Mrs. Obama speaking at Oracle Arena

Recommended read by my therapist

Positano, Italy

Going to Italy this past April was a definite highlight and dream come true.  Sharing this experience with my mom was magical.  We had some laughs, drinks, and only one 'tiff' near the end of the trip in Florence.  We got lost a lot and it was so frustrating. The internet was spotty, thus directions weren't directing. We both had to remember that when on vacation, one is never lost, we're exploring! I can't wait to return back to Italy.

Meeting John at our African American Leadership Conference was pretty awesome.  A key take away from his session was to recognize I'm a leader.  That I should make decisions about my career that will make me uncomfortable.  He said, 'you don't grow if you're not uncomfortable'. In chapter 48, I will increase the uncomfortable factor!   

San Jacinto State Park - Palm Springs

I reconnected with my bestie for her birthday weekend in Palm Springs.  This was our first 'vacation' taken together in a very long time.  I've missed traveling with her.  I've missed us being together, yet not always talking or laughing, but just knowing she was there was a blessing.  It reminded us of what was and what we want from each other in the near future. I got the best rest of the year this trip and I'm so thankful she invited me to tag along to celebrate her! She snapped this pic of me and yes, I hiked, a little in this skirt and sandals. 😊

I'm ready to receive the goodness with an open heart.  

Get comfortable being uncomfortable

I've been going to therapy for 9 months now. So much has been discovered, unpacked, and accomplished.  The work is far from over. As previously written about in this blog, I've shared my weight loss struggles, on-going journey, goals, and triumphs when goals have been met.

During a session with my therapist I mentioned one of the things I wanted to do before I turned 50 was to try aerial yoga, but I had an intense fear because of my body size. I shared that in my head, I'm elephant size and while I've lost weight and have kept a good amount of it off, at times, I see myself as a bigger woman, thus creating an intense fear of trying aerial yoga.

Of course, a facility wouldn't allow me to practice aerial yoga if it weren't safe for me to do so. There would be restrictions posted on their website similar to signage in bars that drinking may cause birth defects should pregnant women drink, right?  My therapist advised that when thoughts of fear came to mind trust that I'm not going to fall and the establishment would not risk me using the equipment if I could be injured.

I set a mental goal to attend an aerial yoga class before my next therapy session. Having a few weeks to meet the goal, I procrastinated until the last possible class time to sign up. Prior to class, I met the instructor, expressed my fears and concerns, examined the anchors, and took the leap! You want to talk about being uncomfortable, beyond scared, and not trusting of the process. Yeah, that would be me!  Some of the moves I completed. Some I watched happened.  The best part, Donna, the instructor was patient with me and helped when I needed it.  I would definitely try aerial yoga, again.  
I think my experience will be different since I will now know what to expect.  If you're in the Oakland, CA area, check out Atomic Allure (www.atomicallure.org) for classes.  They have pole classes, as well.  I think I'll try that next! 

Rest, Relax, Remove dark circles

See my freckles 

 The last few days have been nothing short of wonderful.  My best friend (Bobo) opted to celebrate her birthday in Palm Springs. During a conversation months ago, about what are you doing for your birthday turned into an okay, come with and let's go! She's hella pushy that way and I LOVE her for it!! 

We had an awesome time reconnecting, reminiscing of our travels past, and sharing destinations yet traveled.  We laughed, ate, and drank (not a lot, though).

More importantly, we rested. I noticed for myself the once dark circles surrounding my eyes were no longer present. It took sending a selfie to my mom to check out my newly discovered freckles that I noticed. 

Bobo asked me what am I now going to do to keep the dark circles away and 

how  much sleep I get each night. **Blank stare** I'm going to put to practice of creating bedtime rituals to ensure restful sleep. My therapist recommended '101 Mindful ways to Build Resilience' to learn coping mechanisms during stressful situations.  I've read a few pages, but creating bedtime rituals is a page I've read numerous times, but have yet to put to practice. After this week along with Bobo providing a few tips to ensure I get plenty of rest at night, as well, (i.e. turn off my phone, log off social, read instead of watch t.v, etc), I'm going to give it another shot because I do enjoy my face sans dark circles under my eyes. 

Wish me luck!

I'm thankful for the celebration of Bobo. I'm thankful for the time spent, laughs, and most of all, REST!

Chosing Happy

Sister-friend's birthday brunch (March, 2018)

I met up with one of my sister-friend's to share the details of my recent vacation to Italy as she prepares for her upcoming trip. The last time we'd seen each other was two months prior at her birthday celebration.

During the course of our catch-up, sister-friend says, ' I haven't seen you look as happy as I did at  my party in a long time and I LOVED it!' After saying thank you, my additional response was, 'hard work and therapy is paying off!'  The conversation took me back to a similar one had with my Scorpio-sister-friend a few months prior. We had seen each other soon after my anxiety attack, which was my lowest point back in November, but I had been faking the funk and she wasn't buying it! We had an encouraging and uplifting conversation and I appreciated that I was able to be vulnerable with her while disclosing the sadness I had been experiencing for months.

Fast forward to a random afternoon we spent together in February and Scorpio-sister friend acknowledged a shift in my spirit energy. I'll share more about our day in another post. At our encounter in November, I had just began weekly therapy sessions. By the time we met in February, I had been seeing my therapist 2 x monthly and I still attend, to date. It is the best financial investment I can make for myself. 

I am thankful my friends can see the shift in my attitude, disposition, and my happy. More importantly,  I'm thankful for the work that I've done to improve my own happiness.

Living through the darkness

Being around friends became increasingly difficult during my depression days. Although, at the time, I wasn't officially diagnosed, I knew my withdrawal from people, declining invitations to spend time with people I genuinely loved, melancholy moods, numerous days of the blues were symptoms of depression.  Completing day to day tasks were down right exhausting, but somehow, I managed for a very long time to push through. I'm using the term 'depression' because I now know I officially was depressed. I suspected, but my therapist stated so, and that I suffered a panic attack.  More on that later. All of my depressed living lead up to my attack. Anyway, not every friend encounter I could be my true authentic self when responding to the question, 'how are you?', without tears streaming down my face no matter how hard I blinked them away.  Most times, I simply found it to be in my best interest to decline an invite to hang out and to go about my day alone.  Going alone also made it easier for me to change my mind if leaving my house felt too much like a chore, which most days, it did! The fact that it rained an awful lot in 2016, didn't help me climb out of my blues, either.

In spite of how I felt, I had a small circle of friends who wouldn't let me wallow in my depression.  They wanted me to get back to being ME.  As if I didn't want to be me, ** insert eye-roll **, here.  They encouraged me to join them for workouts, girls night ins, and prayer calls.  I'm thankful for those moments, but they were temporary.  I think I was or felt like was too deep within my 'stuff' that I was incapable of climbing out, nor did I have the tools to dig my way out.  Thinking back on all of this, the shit was so fucking real! By the grace of God, I had a come to Jesus moment talk with my mom, which caused me to deal head on with my shit, thus my spiral, and ultimate panic attack!

Funny how God works, right!!   

The Decision

Several months ago, a fleeting thought entered my mind to resume writing my blog. I don't recall the context of the conversation, but I do recall being in a therapy session being asked if I kept a journal.  I have a few, but don't regularly write in them, similar to this blog.  My therapist suggested I write and/or blog to capture my thoughts.  I still hadn't given much thought to writing until 2-3 months after the initial mention. 

I've been seeing a therapist for about five months and during this short time, a lot has been uncovered.  I'll share here overtime, about my visits to therapy and the events leading up to my going to therapy along with what lead me to writing again.

Additionally, I've recently been sharing that I have a blog and that I'm going to write again.  The natural follow up question is, 'Oh, I want to read your blog.' So, here I go!

The thoughts shared are my own and are true.....     



 

Welcome Back, Welcome Back, Welcome Back!

Well, hello!
It's been a long while, I know.  There is no particular reason why I stopped writing, but there are so many more reasons for me to start, again.

I'm not sure how this writing journey will unfold, but I thank you for participating in it with me.  So much has transpired.   

https://youtu.be/xZzEzDkeHzI